You can’t quite put the finger on why you feel the way you do or just pinpoint the exact word that can describe it. You run scenarios in your head of past events just to try and make sense of why you ‘just don’t feel right’.
You may spend time berating yourself for feeling low or depressed even though you are surrounded by wonderful friends and family, you live in a beautiful home with everything you could ever want, you want for nothing and yet, the last thing you feel is grateful or even happy.
Depression does not make sense; I’ve tried figuring it out for years. It has been described as ‘the black dog’ but that doesn’t sit right with me. I love dogs, they give me comfort, bring me joy and yet depression robs me of it. It consumes me, makes me generalise everything and before I know it, I am lost, empty and isolated.
I convince myself that I am being ‘stupid’, ‘dramatic’, ‘ungrateful’ but even worse, I tell myself I ‘SHOULD’ be better than this, I MUST know how to handle this, I OUGHT to be able to ‘pull myself together’ or add pressure on myself my saying ‘I’ve GOT to get a grip’.
The truth is, I can’t get to the light myself. When I am consumed, I can’t find the way out, I can’t reason with a sick mind and I can’t solve the problem.
So what do I have to do?
I have to break the power; break the silence that keeps me isolated, the shame that tells me I SHOULD not feel this.
I have to ask for help. I go against my head. I don’t listen to the instructions I give myself, I put my thoughts in someone else’s hands and I ask for help. I follow instructions I couldn’t find for myself and borrow the faith of friends, my coach, my sponsor and my confidants. They shine a torch for me to bring me into the light. My gift then is to shine the light for others.
One client I have worked with was lost. They no longer knew what motivated them or even interested them. They had always been a ‘mother’, ‘a support’, ‘a confidant’ and yet, they had lost themselves. Through coaching and reigniting connections they once had as a young child or teenager, the smile came back. It took a huge amount of courage to go back to gymnastics as an adult but she did it! By using visual tools and deep questioning we were able to find her again and take steps to reconnecting her to herself, her likes and her passions. Over the weeks she added another connection, another passion and her life grew. Her life became bigger and so did her smile.
If you want someone to sit with you, listen to you, help you find your way, I am here. The hardest but most powerful thing you have to do, is ask for help.